TAKE ANOTHER TRANQUILISER AND THROW OUT THE CAT

Trip

2007-02-21T15:02:00.000Z

Yesterday evening I went for a quick trip to the cinema and had a much longer trip back, due to the fact that my friend and I boarded the wrong bus. This resulted in a tour round the local community as we went round the houses (literally). However, on the positive side, I now know where their local library and social club are if I'm ever stuck for something to do. As for Brighton railway station (which is at the other side of town) I was able to confirm it was still there and operational at 9.15pm.

It's Been a While

2007-02-13T13:37:00.000Z

Just when you thought you could view this blog safe in the knowledge that I would have posted sod all - I'm back.

Well the past few months have been interesting (just not interesting enough to write about) with a few challenging (aka rubbish) times thrown in for good measure. But I finally have foregone the vow of silence and actually have something to say. Don't worry, it's well worth the wait. Yes it is.

Yesterday morning I was putting my make-up on with one eye on the tele (which makes application a bit tricky) and realised a couple of things:

1) I am the only person alive who would hate to swim with dolphins.
2) I am, possibly, the only female alive who thinks Justin Timberlake is a bit geeky.

It was quite a revelation to me.

Successes of My Time

2006-08-29T17:34:00.000+01:00

Managing to prise my 3 year old nephew's vice like grip off my birthday present, in the handing over ceremony, without breaking fingers (it's not as easy as you think).

Although he was disappointed that his mum had opted for a book rather than the yellow truck he'd insisted I'd love (of course he knows me well - we're family). But on the bright side, said book was about fashion disasters which should never have been worn (unless you'd inadvertently collided with a blunt instrument) and it seemed to constitute only 50% of my current wardrobe. Hurrah.

Homework

2006-07-07T18:49:00.000+01:00

It’s hard to believe, but I was never one for homework (mainly due to the fact I’d rather write out Duran Duran lyrics in their entirety) and the word ‘project’ can still cause minor convulsions. But it’s obviously a decision I’ve never regretted and hasn’t stopped me living the life of Riley (Old Mother).

However, it was heartening to see that the children in Brighton’s schools are taking their school work far more seriously. As reported yesterday, you can’t start talking about the 2nd World War without a student bringing a hand grenade in to ‘show and tell’. Unfortunately I think the teacher was hoping for more in the way of ration books and the school had to be closed for the day whilst emergency services were drafted in. But I’m sure it was very authentic and some people will do anything for a day off.

Things I Shouldn't Admit

2006-06-11T23:42:00.000+01:00

I live with my Mum through choice.
I don’t own a property but I pay the rent and bills.
I’ve never lived in a bedsit or shared a house and I don’t want to.
I don’t drive (despite thousands of lessons and 5 tests in an automatic).
I don’t want to drive unless it’s a necessity.
I have an appalling sense of direction.
I drink when I’m stressed, and worry about it.
I’ve never been on a second date even though I’ve had numerous first ones.
Due to above scenario I still have an attachment to 1471.
I don’t have children.
I love my nephews.
I wanted to be a nanny.
I lost my virginity at 34.
I never thought I’d get married.
My Mum is obsessively tidy but doesn’t cook.
I don’t have savings, and worry about retirement.
I hate people swearing in general conversation but not because I find it offensive.
I have an ungraded CSE in Home Economics and gave up 'O' Level history to achieve it.
I produced a floppy headed bear in sewing class but have no qualification to back it up (ungraded would have been optimistic).
My nephew loves floppy headed bear.
I actually like cooking but hate sewing.
I still love music from the 80’s.
I’m in love and I thought that would never happen.
I first met my dad when I was 32.
I can’t bear children calling their parents by first name even though I do it myself due to the above.
Okay I’ll stop here.

A Camera

2006-06-07T22:29:00.000+01:00

I would like to say...

Happy 2 year anniversary to Phil.

And happy 20 year anniversary to Roddy Frame who, it has to be said, has been a less frequent visitor in my life (last sighted at The Dome in 1986 when I was sporting a rather fetching ra-ra skirt and hair that had been encouraged in a vertical direction by the means of half a tub of Studio Line gel and a lot of patience. He had no chance of running his fingers through that.)

But the search is over and I have seen Mr Frame in Southampton as part of our anniversary celebrations (that’s mine and Phil’s, not mine and Roddy’s. I don’t think he knew I was coming). Not only at the venue itself but on a balcony above said venue and in the company of his new girlfriend. You could tell she was new by the way she laughed – enthusiastically – without having to resort to the forced "haven’t I heard this one before" exhalation of breath that can just about pass for a laugh, rather than a sigh, if you can be bothered to put the effort in.

But I can confidently say it’ll be the best concert I’ll see this year. And that’s even with Tom Jones looming on the horizon (I really shouldn’t admit to that) and not many surprises make me leap a couple of feet in the air – well unless it’s a particularly nasty looking spider. So thanks, Phil, anyone would think you know me very well.

Diet

2006-05-02T13:30:00.000+01:00

Yes it starts today which is why my banana is forming a close relationship with the bin and I'm opting for a bacon and brie sandwich. Success is going to be on those cards, mark my words.

Sleeping

2006-04-14T17:26:00.000+01:00

Happy New Year!

Oh not quite, blimey this year is dragging. Where was I?

Residential courses that's where. And the one and only (don't worry Chesney Hawkes isn't going to put in an appearance) thing that can improve them, in my opinion, is not having to stay there. So after a stalking experiment which involved getting a print out of all attendees and looking up their home addresses, I managed to send desperate e-mails to two who were willing to oblige (aka feel sorry for me) - whay hey. Okay, I still hated most of it and building a tent blindfolded whilst being guided by an overly tall male, isn't necessarily my idea of a good time (not without copious quantities of wine being thrown in). And even to the woman walking her dog, who stopped to ask if everything was okay, it was dodgy. If only she'd seen us searching for a knife in the forest, that would have put her mind her rest.

So, all in all, it was pretty dreadful. But I had been worrying about the residential bit for six months. Blind panic set in as soon as I read the words "staying is not essential but, for the sake of the team dynamic, it is recommended". Only the words "escaped serial killer on the premises" would have me heading for the door sooner. However when you realise the location is only accessible by car unless you have a close relationship with a horse (and not in a Channel 4 Shockumentary type of way) you realise you're buggered. Although a colleague, who thought it was equally dreadful, decided I should take up driving lessons again and insist on that route. And to be fair, I did consider calling the local taxi company - I could do debt.

Why did it worry me so much? Well I love watching Big Brother but I can't imagine why people would put themselves through it. I know I'd hate most people after about 10 minutes and would be banging on the diary room door, with my list of evictions, shouting "why can we only nominate two?". The downside of a work course is that no one leaves. Well unless they're getting out of the Ashdown Forest day because they've got "appointments they can't cancel" and they REALLY wanted to come as they think it's going to be the best day (yeah, right). They should have reminded me of that one when my jeans were caked in mud to the knee and my boots were seeping the blister blood (Primark socks aren't that hardwearing).

However, after week one, when I sat next to an officious maypole dancer who was a bitch on wheels and was equally desperate to get away from me, it improved slightly. On week two I sitting next to a bloke from Hailsham who was far more on my wavelength. And when we were shoved into a room on too many (they like to get your stomach churning) occasions to produce a flip chart/presentation to be proud of, we both managed to chat on about incidental rubbish and then panic with the words "we've only got a minute left, what are we going to say? Make it big writing".

And let's not forget:

I also learnt after two days of diversity training...

When inviting a wheelchair speaker to.....well speak, make sure the wheelchair access buzzer doesn't take three steps to reach. Doh.

Monthly Update

2006-03-06T17:08:00.000Z

I have spent the past month or so:

Visiting Texas and becoming addicted to hot tubs.

Visiting Mexico and wishing I hadn't.

Getting far nearer hideous reptiles than is good for my mental wellbeing - although it's nothing that a bit of vigorous shoulder shaking won't sort out.

Investing in a new shower and learning to live without light as a result of poor installation.

Coming to terms with the fact that my grandfather was crushed to death by a wardrobe a month before his 90th birthday. Honestly, just when you think you're doing quite well.

Meeting Crash and Donna and deciding not to leg it from a restaurant without paying even though it was tempting.

Meeting Jim Kitson and feeling slightly peculiar.

Dreading the residential course I have to attend next week. The words 'work' and 'residential' are not happy bed companions in my book. Even if you do have to sleep there.

Happy New Year

2006-01-26T16:40:00.000Z

I thought I'd better say that before we hit February.

Tip of the Day - for a harmonious working environment.

If you're going to send an e-mail to someone calling another colleague a "bitter, twisted, witch", try not to send it to the person with witch-like qualities if you can possibly help it.

And if you've ever wondered what it's like to have a forgotten-about blackened banana burst in the bottom of your bag - the answer is messy.

Christmas

2005-12-23T11:44:00.000Z

It's Christmas (imagine a Noddy Holder type voice in your head), well nearly. And to mark the occasion there's every chance I could leave work half an hour early. It's possible. This week I've been covering someone else's job, albeit not very well, it's more like a bit of frantic duvet straightening. But I have been working from another office and you can tell I'm next door to Finance as the woman who works there keeps following me around and turning lights off. You can't leave the room for 5 minutes without having to find your way back with a torch.

This is all very admirable but it did get taken a bit far a while ago when someone turned off the electricity which was powering someone's electric wheelchair. Whoops.

Anyway, I've bought all the presents, wrapped them badly in whatever paper I can lay my hands on ('Happy Birthday', 'Happy Anniversary', 'Now you're 40' - I've got all occasions covered), cried in shops and have eaten more cocktail sausages than I thought humanly possible. So I'm now feeling very festive and looking forward to the inevitable family row when someone starts breathing too loudly.

Happy Christmas.

Hungry

2005-12-06T14:44:00.000Z

I was so shocked after my last run-in with the scales (I blame my close friendship with Mr McDonald and Mr King) that I've been on a STRICT diet ever since. Okay it's only been two days and I'm now trading my banana for a couple of chocolates, but I've lost three whole pounds. It's enough to make me anorexic.

Ah or Aaargh

2005-11-30T11:47:00.000Z

I am the proud owner of a third nephew. I witnessed a home birth and I've never seen such ingenious use of an exercise ball. Although I've made a mental note not to let her anywhere near my cross trainer. So that'll be two of us avoiding it.

Other stuff. My friend Lorraine has taken in a 36 year old student whose grasp of English means life's a constant game of charades, but it is nearly Christmas so it's quite handy - only the mighty Lionel Blair could beat her now. The student's also arrived with no money and keeps presenting her with whole fish. Her cats bring home less scary specimens when they've been on the prowl. She may have crabsticks in the fridge but she's no Captain Birdseye and isn't keen on the whole gutting process. But he's supposedly staying until after Christmas so I'm sure they'll bond over the Sea Bass.

Untitled

2005-11-25T12:15:00.000Z

After calling my previous post 'Nameless' I can report that my sister's baby will probably remain so until the authorities force her to commit to something on a certificate. The good news is she did say to her husband that they should start thinking about it, which is handy considering it's due on Wednesday. But apparently the hold up is down to the fact she doesn't know what sex it's going to be. Eh? You've only got to come up with two choices. Unless she's hedging her bets and not ruling out the 3rd sex. You can never be too careful.

On Wednesday night Phil and I went to see Lloyd Cole at a very small venue. It was as though he was playing in my front room. Although if that had been the case I would have locked the front door and refused to let him leave after insisting we watch Coronation Street.

Nameless

2005-11-17T13:19:00.000Z

Last week went from bad to kill me now at a rather alarming speed. It was rounded off nicely when after being shown a photo of a colleague's dog (yes it was in a frame) I remarked on its puppy-like qualities, only to be told it was 17 years old and unlikely to see the year out. All I can say is that dog's using more than Oil of Olay. Things didn't improve when I told someone else to "keep taking the Prozac". The shift in expression confirmed that they certainly were, but I couldn't comment on the dosage.

I am currently on standby as my sister is about to go into labour any minute now, well any 18,720 minutes now (I can't believe I used a calculator to work that out and even then I'm not sure it's right), which is actually quite a lot. This is my fourth birthing experience, so I really should be cutting the umbilical cord with my teeth by now, but I'm out of floss.

Snap

2005-10-31T12:35:00.000Z

In my opinion if you put personal photographs up at work, then you spend too much time there. I really don't get it. I can just about tolerate a photo stuck to a pinboard but when you've got numerous frames cluttering your desk with separate photos of children, grandchildren, husband and dog - I think enough is enough. Then again I'm still waiting to have the photos developed from a trip to New York in 1995, so I'm probably not one to judge.

Oh and the hypnotist went well. I burst into tears after five minutes and hardly had time to get my nice new coat off. But I'm going again on Saturday expecting him to be more prepared with the tissues.

Tick

2005-10-28T12:32:00.000+01:00

Tomorrow I'm going to be put under the spell of the hypnotist's watch. Hard to pinpoint exactly what I'm going for, as when I read the options I could have gone for most of them - children watching Christmas adverts have wanted less. Although I feel no need for regression therapy as I know I was Joan of Arc in a previous life.

Talking of Christmas, I've got my first Christmas present. A rather fetching coat which doesn't lend itself to weight gain or heavy jumpers. So the diet which hasn't worked continues here.

Blimey, I've typed so much I feel a bit light headed.

Fit

2005-10-27T09:16:00.000+01:00

It's amazing how unfit you feel when you see people jogging up a hill you have trouble negotiating at a snail's pace.

Mr Wrong

2005-10-27T09:14:00.000+01:00

It's reassuring to see that Lance Gerrard-Wright was not only the Mr Wrong of the female contestants on 'Mr Right', but Ulrika's as well.

Update

2005-10-17T14:43:00.000+01:00

Oh, and the new job's going well. I've got a 'To Do' Book that I keep forgetting to look in, and nearly had a mass walk out on day 3. It normally takes at least two weeks for people to decide they hate me.

Friends

2005-10-17T14:38:00.000+01:00

I've had an e-mail from 'Friends Reunited' asking if I'm engaged, considering emigrating or expecting. How nosey are they? But if any of that were true they've kindly set up a section where I can boast about it. As if they don't have enough people bragging about their mundane existence already. I went to school with more Managing Directors than you can shake a stick at (apparently). Which is surprising when most of them struggled with reading. But obviously I'm going on-line to tell them about my imminent relocation to Timbuktu. Well that's if I can fly now I'm expecting quintuplets.

Yikes

2005-10-10T15:40:00.000+01:00

I started a new job today. I'm not saying I don't relish a challenge but personally when I fancy a change I tend to go and buy a new outfit. It's enough for me. So to avoid working myself into a frothing frenzy yesterday, I went out with Phil, his friend Melee and her boyfriend James and discovered that not everything micro is waveable. I did intend to re-read the book 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' but I've mislaid it with my toothbrush charger. Still I've got the first bit covered.

Clean

2005-09-30T16:36:00.000+01:00

I'm still getting over the shock that a woman featured on 'Wife Swap' cleaned her house for 14 hours a day. Every day. I'm not even sure I'm awake that long.

I-Pod

2005-09-26T13:22:00.000+01:00

Apparently someone at work, yet to be identified (for potential mugging reasons), has won an I-Pod. And if I were a nicer person I'd be pleased for them.

Cut Price

2005-09-20T12:12:00.000+01:00

I'm waiting with baited breath for my credit card bill to come through. I went to the hairdressers on Friday and they put my credit card through about five times, only to have the transaction cancelled due to a dodgy phone connection. They just about let me leave to go to the bank without a member of staff being attached to my arm. Although I didn't see what the alternative was apart from holding me hostage and calling the police. So I just hope the transactions failed and haven't gone through - otherwise I might as well have gone straight to Nicky Clarke.

Ugly

2005-09-20T11:24:00.000+01:00

I've just found out that a colleague has signed up to the Ugly model agency. I'm not saying he is but I'm sure he'll do well. He's always reminded me of Uncle Fester from the Addams Family and there's probably more flattering family resemblances. Although a colleague did remark that "he's not that bad" which is odd from someone who generally rejects potential partners on the grounds of a dodgy anorak.

Burnt

2005-09-16T14:17:00.000+01:00

September's here so the long sleeves and boots are out (best keep everything covered) and yet again I've failed to get any hint of a tan during the summer months. But I'm confident it'll happen any year now - hopefully before cremation when it's a dead cert.

People never fail to make me laugh. I've just been told by a colleague (with accompanying deadpan expression that I quite admired) that her new boyfriend said he isn't materialistic AT ALL and is more concerned with the situation in Africa. Which is obviously why he owns a house and isn't over there working voluntarily.

Weekend news - I haven't quite got a child free weekend as my friend is visiting tomorrow with her 1 year old son (unless she inadvertently leaves him on the bus). So it's good to see that it's not only food I'm a glutton for. And talking of food (Julio Iglesias was never this smooth), I'm also going to attempt more cooking and freezing. Honestly if it didn't take me half an hour to sew a button on, I'd swear I was fully domesticated.

Ring

2005-09-15T15:10:00.000+01:00

The problem with sitting with your back to the room in a restaurant is that when, for once, your memory doesn't fail you and you impart the words "wasn't he the waiter Grizelda slipped her phone number to last time we were here?", you don't realise that the man in question is right behind you, punching your order into the till. Ooops.

Please note that said friend is not really called Grizelda. What do you take her parents for?

Pink

2005-09-14T14:30:00.000+01:00

I've just seen a couple of Jordan and Peter Andre's wedding photos. Posh Spice must be gutted. After the throne debacle, I bet she never thought she'd be out-tacked.

Allergy

2005-09-14T14:08:00.000+01:00

My day was brightened up immensely yesterday by the return of a colleague from foreign climes. Not because I'd missed him over the past week (a six month sabbatical wouldn't do that), but because he returned looking like something Wes Craven had dreamt up at his most warped, only slightly more hideous. Even the Elephant Man would have baulked. Unfortunately for him (but not me) said colleague had been bitten by some monstrous insect or other which had caused the sort of reaction you get if you're unlucky with the hair dye.

However you can only stifle laughter for so long without causing internal damage, so I reassured him that he didn't look so bad once you get used to it - which put a Tigger-like spring in his step. And his right eye had almost opened so it wasn't a complete lie.

It did remind me how much I liked the song 'Peter Pumpkin Head' though. I must dig it out.

Community

2005-09-13T11:54:00.000+01:00

It was good last week to see Brighton community spirit coming to the fore. Upon leaving Safeway I saw an elderly man with a head wound lying in the road, surrounded by 3 paramedics. After being hit by a bus he was in no rush to jump to his feet, which greatly concerned most of the people at the bus stop. You couldn't stop them moaning about the fact that no buses could pass.

But the lasagne last night went down well. Well it went down and stayed down which I always take as a good sign.

Survived

2005-09-12T13:30:00.000+01:00

I survived my weekend with the nephew and he's avoided a chocolate overdose - just. I used a Super Nanny technique at bedtime which is basically "leave them to cry as long as they're not making themselves sick" and it seemed to work well. I also read the book 'Mr Perfect' twice a day. You'll find it under fiction in the local library.

I also spent most of the weekend consoling a friend who was afraid she'd been dumped from a greater height than my nephew was leaping from. So in a bid to cheer her up I'm forcing weight loss lasagne on her tonight. You never know how bad your life can get.

Two

2005-09-10T08:57:00.000+01:00

Adopt brace position. I've agreed to look after my two year old nephew (so I obviously don't say "no chance" as often as I thought) for the weekend and he's here diving on his head from a great height as I type (no point making a fuss - I've got things to do). It's the sort of age that would frighten the hardiest of people but I've got the Jaffa Cakes in - so that's breakfast sorted. And at least I know that if you inadvertently leave the bathroom door open, with shampoo in reach, he can wash his own hair. Which is handy.

Apart from that I'm still trying to work out why the pub I went to on Wednesday give you roast potatoes with a ham sandwich. I know they're attached to a carvery but there are limits. Thank God they laid off the brussell sprouts.

Other News

2005-09-07T16:02:00.000+01:00

A mere five months ago I mentioned getting up at the crack of dawn, armed with a torch, in order to spend several hours getting ready in preparation for my photo for a new work ID card. Well they're finally ready and only one colleague has died in the meantime. So it could be worse.

And thanks to the blind man (one without a stick or a dog) I now have a new rollerblind in my bathroom. I'm very impressed. It goes up and down and everything.

Cheese

2005-09-07T15:36:00.000+01:00

Oh, I forgot to mention my venture into cheesey cottage pie territory. I knew Phil Vickery's recipe couldn't fail. Fern Britton obviously loves it - well she's been tucking into something.

Stuff

2005-09-05T15:44:00.000+01:00

Blimey, I haven't blogged for over a week. What's wrong with me? I normally leave it at least two.

But here's a quick synopsis (not always connected with boring literature. It's still boring but shorter. Hurrah).

I've hit 36 years so if I were a wine you'd pay more than £2.99 for me in your local Kwik Save. I'm that mature.

Have been steaming vegetables I don't recognise (ochre anyone?) to within an inch of their life.

Believe Colin Fry is slightly more hammy than 'Babe'.

Think 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' sounds like a great film and an even better case study. (Hang on while I surgically remove my tongue from my cheek).

Visited a pub in Peacehaven (I never knew they had any) and now have numerous ideas for discreet tattoos adored by middle aged women with ankle chains and a hacking cough.

Love Peacehaven and its ponds.

Filled out a job application form with help (someone has to make me sound good) and realised I haven't got the faintest idea what I've been doing with my working life.

And I'm about to embark on a six month trial separation with Phil and if we hate each other at the end of it, you're invited to the wedding.

Cream

2005-08-24T12:06:00.000+01:00

As it's my birthday tomorrow (I'm about as subtle as a mugger) I'm off to buy 1532 cream cakes for my work colleagues. It's the least you can do when you're on the receiving end of a card that cost £1.20.

Ring

2005-08-24T11:56:00.000+01:00

Whilst chatting to my friend yesterday, she suddenly leapt up off the sofa with the sort of speed that put me into a mass spider panic. But instead of racing for the door she snatched up my mobile phone, moved it a safe distance away and advised me not to sleep next to it. Sleep next to it!!!! It's a good day if I've remembered to switch it on by 5pm. If I developed a phone induced brain tumour I would be, at best, unlucky.

Offally Good

2005-08-23T13:18:00.000+01:00

Finding somewhere to go for a Birthday (mine. No gift too great) lunch is proving difficult. The place I was considering has a limited set menu which consists mainly of calves internal organs (by the time you've finished you're virtually a qualified vet). It's not good for the squeamish. Anyway I much prefer pigs trotters.

Gulp

2005-08-18T12:52:00.000+01:00

I went for a quick drink with a colleague after work. Quick because I gulped it down in my haste to get out the door ASAP. It's not that she's a bad person, but more incredibly irritating. The discussion centred mainly on her last two relationships. I'm not saying they were disasters of Towering Inferno proportions, but when you compare the two relationships and find that the bloke who got his ex-girlfriend pregnant and sodded off to another country, leaving you penniless, is deemed to be the better option - things aren't great.

However she listened to my advice to wipe the pair of them from the memory banks and then went home. To text Towering Inferno No2 (the sequel). His response of "leave me alone you paranoid b*tch" tells me he's not keen. I could be wrong.

Jack

2005-08-17T13:03:00.000+01:00

A distant colleague (similar to a distant relation but you see them more often) got married at the weekend. I didn't even get invited to the evening do, so that's the sort of distance involved - immense. I asked one of her fellow workers how it went and then enquired about the dress. Now I'm not one for too much detail but the response of "It was a Vera Wang" didn't quite do it for me and I was unable to picture it with full clarity. Even though it was uttered in the sort of hushed tone (with dramatic intake of breath) that makes you realise "who???" isn't the right response. Although personally I'm more familiar with Vera Duckworth. Does this mean that one overpriced dress suits all?

Wiggage

2005-08-15T15:44:00.000+01:00

After mentioning to Phil about a colleague who has severe wig problems (in an 'it's bleeding obvious' way), it was reassuring to note that when catching a glimpse of said person, Phil turned to me and said "wiiig" before any form of excessive rib-poking was necessary.

(Message to Phil: Told you)

Cake

2005-08-12T18:03:00.000+01:00

Phil and I are still planning to see 'Overnight' (that blockbuster) at a very small cinema which sells homemade carrot cake. They've got enough time to make it due to lack of ticket sales.

However don't expect an overnight review. With my blog posting frequency, it'll be more like a fortnight away.

Seasonal

2005-08-11T10:48:00.000+01:00

I've ordered a summer skirt from my catalogue and apparently it will take 56 days to deliver. They're quite precise so the countdown starts here (minus Richard Whiteley - RIP). Very handy, it'll arrive just in time for the bad weather. So if I'm going to be summery during the autumn perhaps I should start wearing my jumpers now.

Defeat

2005-08-10T10:30:00.000+01:00

Okay I admit it, I'm closer to being within walking distance of Scotland than I am to being 9 1/2 stone by my Birthday. So posting my weight worked in precisely no way at all, but there's always Christmas.....

Hooded

2005-08-05T14:26:00.000+01:00

You can't see enough of my hooded jacket, which is just as well because it was out again today due to flood-like conditions. I should have seen it coming when I'd arranged to go to a restaurant where you can sit outside (no I'm not considering begging outside McDonald's). Okay if you like your food with a high water content.

Shallow

2005-08-05T14:12:00.000+01:00

Having found a particular colleague to be the extremely side of mildly irritating, I haven't had one good word to say about them, but plenty of bad ones. Well that was until they uttered the words "that's a nice top". Suddenly they don't appear to breathe as loudly as I'd previously thought. You don't have to dig deep with me - leave the shovel at home.

Survived

2005-08-03T14:02:00.000+01:00

I would just like to say that I sampled Phil's Aubergine Chilli which was on the turn and apparently not that great to start with, and I'm still alive, with no medical problems I didn't already have.

Verdict: Not vile

Good Intentions

2005-08-02T15:23:00.000+01:00

I knew it was bad news when a Japanese student made a beeline for me armed with a folder and a map whilst I was walking to work. As someone whose ability to head in the wrong direction is second to none, I wasn't overly hopeful as said map was unfolded and thrust in my direction. But I had a look and seemed to have a vague idea of where she wanted to go. So I pointed out the way she should be heading and she looked extremely puzzled but, as she kindly pointed out, the fact I had the map the wrong way round didn't help matters. So with the map in the correct position and concise instructions given, she only looked as if she was going to burst into tears and there was only one fleeting moment when I thought I'd have to prise the vice like grip from my arm. It was my good deed for the day.

Please Note

2005-07-29T13:26:00.000+01:00

I've never been a fan of spaces between words - they're so overrated.

Quick Message

2005-07-29T13:09:00.000+01:00

Having already endured a rather tuneless happy birthday at 3am, that made Phil wish he was still in possession of a recorder - I realise there's only so much one man can take. So I'd just like to say

H A V E A F A N T A S T I C B I R T H D A Y, P H I L

love x lots

I'd also like to say that yesterday I was 10 stone. I was so pleased it prompted a visit to the fish and chip shop to celebrate. So it's probably not that today.

Terrible

2005-07-25T17:20:00.000+01:00

'Appy Birfday to my nephew who is two today. This is completely pointless as he can't actually read, but obviously he is very advanced and can sing 'Bob the Builder' and count to 248 whilst standing on his head.

Third Post of the Week (for those who can't count)

2005-07-22T14:12:00.000+01:00

Why oh why is Science now favourite to leave the Big Brother House? If I had to spend half an hour with Orlaith it would be 29 minutes too long. Get voting now.

End of.

Second post of the Week (Almost Double Figures)

2005-07-22T13:18:00.000+01:00

I went to the hairdressers yesterday and they now insist on talking you through the experience every step of the way. Although I have to say it was hardly a surprise when the girl announced she was going to wash my hair with shampoo. Let's be honest, by the time you've got your head bent backwards over a basin with water being poured on your head from a height, you can guess what's coming next and I like to presume they're not going to slit your throat.

Clogged

2005-07-21T11:58:00.000+01:00

Current weight 10.3.5, so I've now officially lost a pound (again). I can't tell you how glad I am that I decided to post my weight weekly on my blog. I can't tell you, because I'm not pleased at all. But better news is that my cholesterol is 4.5 and regarded as low. I was so pleased when the doctor told me, it was all I could do to stop myself from opening a bag of crisps there and then. And apparently my metabolism (which I previously thought had gone on a one-way trip) is working better than I thought and isn't the hive of inactivity I believed it to be. My doctor almost made me sound healthy and that's no mean feat, so there's bound to be some sort of mix up. Panorama are probably investigating her as we speak.

Rarebit

2005-07-12T14:35:00.000+01:00

Slight lack of weight news last week, mainly because I am now 10 stone 5lbs, so only half a pound heavier than when I started. How can this happen? I'm chopping peppers at half six in the morning for goodness sake. The only trouble with this fresh fruit and veg malarkey is it's a constant race to eat it before it goes off. Surely in this day and age there's some lethal preservative they can put on everything that'll make it last longer. Who needs organic.

Other news -- I currently have a friend staying with me who has recently moved to Cardiff to look after his father. Although after a week of that he's decided he'd rather care for his father from the safe distance of Norfolk, so a swift move could be on the cards.

Card

2005-07-07T11:29:00.000+01:00

They say you can tell a lot about a person by the card they send. And if you spill coffee on your offering then careless is probably the word that springs to mind.

Kung Fu

2005-07-06T13:31:00.000+01:00

Apparently Walt Disney are working on a kung-fu version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Good news for people who are still mourning the loss of the badly dubbed TV legend that was 'Monkey' (and I can't be the only one still getting through the tissues). No one has said "pigsy" in quite the same way since.

While we're talking about TV, can we please have Maxwell (all round nasty piece of work) evicted from the Big Brother house immediately. This man has more catchphrases than Del Boy (unfortunately none of them are funny) and makes Michael Winner seem self-effacingly modest. Thanks.

Please Note

2005-06-30T14:35:00.000+01:00

No matter how entertaining you think your office environment is, it will never do much for anyone else.

I've just had lunch with a friend telling me how great it is in her office because they have suuuch a laugh - honestly, they even scan their faces. You just can't hear enough of that and unfortunately I only had the one relentless hour. I wouldn't mind if half of it was funny, but you'd be lucky if an eighteenth of it was. Personally I've had more fun with conjunctivitis in both eyes.

Long Weigh to Go

2005-06-29T14:32:00.000+01:00

I currently weigh in at 10.2.5 - so I've successfully put on another half a pound. At this rate I'll be hitting 11 stone before 9 and a half. On the plus side I did buy my first ever size 10 skirt on Saturday. I don't know about perfect 10, I'm more of an imperfect 14, but that's the beauty of elasticated waists - you can force them over the hips.

I had a blood test today to find out my cholesterol level and see if I've got any hideous diseases. So in a bid to reduce my cholesterol level I've been eating more fish, veg and salad than is healthy. Although I don't quite think it's going to combat the numerous six-packets-of-crisps days of yesteryear (last week). We shall see.

10 Stone 2

2005-06-23T13:34:00.000+01:00

So after a week of adopting the Squirrel diet and living off dried prunes and nuts I've reaped the benefits and gained a pound. But it's definitely dried prunes I'm having for breakfast and not prawns as I've mistakenly told 40% of my colleagues. I have a knack of coming out with the wrong word as Phil's sister-in-law can testify when I remarked on her George Formby grill. Well if he's coming round to clean the windows he might as well do a bit of cooking as well. But onwards and upwards... the weight certainly is.

Sin City

2005-06-21T12:28:00.000+01:00

Why bother? But a very popular film by all accounts. Personally I prefer a film where you've got a hope in hell of following the plot, I'm a bit old fashioned, but this lost me after about 10 minutes and what's more I didn't care. I've seen James Bond films that make more sense and I'm not keen on those either. I spent the rest of the film fighting off the urge to go to ASDA which is a sign of the truly desperate.

Highly recommended for those who enjoy Star Trek and other such nonsense.

10 Stone 1

2005-06-15T14:14:00.000+01:00

The title of the post means that I am now 10 stone 1 (the clues are there). I'm sure this is good news but I haven't looked at my blog for a while so I can't remember what I was last week, but I'm sure it's down.

Phil and I went for a walk yesterday and I donned every walker's favourite ensemble - a long skirt, white top and open toed shoes. Which is incredibly practical and can't be faulted when trekking through undergrowth.

But I have also been successfully brainwashed by This Morning's current healthy eating expert (and fully qualified humourless individual) and it only took 3 days - which even surprised me. Fern obviously doesn't listen to a word she says, but I'm venturing into Ipswich to stock up on unsalted nuts, Mackerel (no idea what I'm going to do with it but I'm sure it'll go off in the fridge nicely) and dried fruit, and if I don't pass a McDonalds on the way I'll probably be successful.

Flump

2005-06-10T13:12:00.000+01:00

The diet hasn't gone well this week. It didn't help when cream cakes were brought into the office. I did examine the calorie content on the box and then plumped for the one with the highest amount. Unfortunately that's the only look in that plump is going to get over fat. But I may not be able to publish my weight this week due to having access to different scales. It would make my weight loss scientifically inaccurate.

Unless I weigh less on Phil's scales and then I'll be enquiring how to turn on bold type.

Can You Hear Me?

2005-06-10T13:05:00.000+01:00

I've heard that they are introducing a new mobile phone with no added extras - no text facility, no camera etc. It's geared towards people who would rather communicate via a message in a bottle. I think it's a good idea. Not that my mobile is that advanced, generally my nail has to be in the right position to turn it on, so a photo's out of the question.

Pizzeria

2005-06-08T17:34:00.000+01:00

On Monday evening I went to a friend's for dinner and successfully ate pizza, potato wedges, crisps, garlic bread and drank wine whilst doing diet chat. After we'd discussed world peace and the Russian Revolution I had a good rummage through her wardrobe and pointed out a top I'd tried on but hadn't bought. I regretted saying it immediately. What sort of message is that, if not "yes I tried it, but then thought God no." But she seemed pleased.

Last night I had another friendly encounter with Lorraine. When I met her in the lobby downstairs she seemed surprised (and not just because I was ready on time) as she'd thought we were staying in, even though it was originally her suggestion to venture to the pub. But I dragged her out regardless of hair worries. After all I was having a bad hair day myself. It seemed to have a life of its own and I'm not entirely sure it was human. But I had a good time and not just because Lorraine ended up paying due to a no cash and no working cashpoint problem. Oops.

But before I go can I just say that there is a most excellent new blog (Telly Critic) which has made me smile more than once. And I try not to do that as I can't afford botox.

Anyway, you can't miss it. Well unless you type in 'telecritic', and who would do that? But if by any chance you do, you'll come across an Australian telly critic site which is rubbish and not to be confused.

Please note: My arm has not been twisted to mention above blog. I prefer typing with one hand.

Loss

2005-06-06T13:14:00.000+01:00

First weigh in and I've lost an amazing 1lb so I now weigh in at a staggering (if you're trying to lift me) 10.3.5. Unfortunately I think this is more to do with the time of the month factors rather than a good week. And I know the weigh-in is a bit early but I'm due a pizza and wine evening tonight, so I thought I'd better get in quick. Although having seen the new advert for Felix cat food which states it seems home made - I have slightly lost my appetite. Oh come on, I'm better out of the kitchen than in it, but if anyone compared my efforts to cat food I'd be a tad offended.

Tips

2005-06-03T13:30:00.000+01:00

1) If you want to increase your popularity, don't read your e-mails for a month. I did this and was on the receiving end of 90 messages. I haven't been this popular since I had a computer virus.

2) If you're going to have a Double Decker don't put it in the fridge - there go the fillings.

Re 2: Although I replaced my banana lunch for a nutritious Double Decker and packet of crisps combo, I am still on a diet. I just don't want to appear too strict, people will wonder what's wrong with me. And although it's the wrong time of the month, it's the right time for chocolate.

Starving

2005-06-01T13:52:00.000+01:00

Right, it's the 1st of June and the diet starts today. It was meant to start yesterday but I had a bit of a run in with a couple of cheeseburgers. So today's the day and in a moment of madness I am about to reveal my (un)vital statistics:

Height: 5'5"

Weight: 10.4.5

Intended weight: 9.7

To be achieved by: My birthday (25/8/05)

Now obviously 5'5" is incredibly tall for a woman, I'm very big boned and therefore virtually anorexic. But that won't stop me. I intend to weigh myself once a week and chart my progress. I also promise to be truthful, and don't let the fact that I lied on the phone to a Weight Watchers representative whilst doing Weight Watchers At Home make you think otherwise. As I didn't have a video phone, they couldn't do much watching and the temptation to exaggerate was too great. And I did make it slightly more believable when the response I received was "really" in an incredulous tone. If I'd claimed to lose any more weight they would have had the photographers round.

This time is different and I cannot fail.

But if I do, I'll be editing that sentence out at a later date.

Brief Stuff

2005-05-31T16:18:00.000+01:00

You can't ask for more than a diamond for your 1 year anniversary and Neil didn't let me down. He was a total pro and I mean that in more of a Lionel Blair, rather than a casual with sexual favours, sort of way. The only mistake I made was stating to the woman next to me that I would dance. The mistake being that I meant I would dance when I wanted to and not when she barked "come on" at full volume whilst trying to encourage me with an entertaining jig and clap of the hands. Unfortunately nothing makes me feel less like coming on than someone instructing me to do so. But she was enthusiastic, I'll give her that.

We also saw Duran Duran on Saturday and nothing has reminded me of revising for my exams more than that. So it's hardly surprising I remembered every lyric. Not to mention the age, weight and star sign of each member of the band. Believe me, I would be staggering under the weight of qualifications if it wasn't for them.

So Phil and I made it to a year. Hurrah - that's what I say (usually when I've run out of things to say), but it's been fab.

And whilst we're on the subject of emotional episodes - my sister got married and there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Mainly because we were all sweating - that's what the hottest day of the year does for you. I was a witness which was a mistake as I'm not the most observant person, but I will sign anything. And it was just as well Phil turned up or there would be a distinct lack of any sort of permanent documentation. But good luck to 'em and all who sail in them, just in case they're ever reincarnated as boats.

And Another Thing

2005-05-24T18:51:00.000+01:00

I have experienced Donna's weight loss lasagne and gained two pounds. Which is what happens when people aren't trying to force it down. I can't even mention the chocolate tart.

But I will say I was not locked in the bathroom and was just admiring the decor.

Have I?

2005-05-24T18:22:00.000+01:00

I've been tagged. I wish someone had told me. I may have missed the boat but it's not as traumatic as nearly missing the train if your French teacher hadn't given you a lift as he saw you dawdling down the road, but that's another story.

1. Total number of films I own on DVD/video.

DVD - Zero. It took me long enough to embrace the CD. Let's not hurry things.
Video - 112 - no idea but 12 is my favourite number and it's more than that.

2. The last film I bought. Some Jane Austin epic as a present. But I'm sure it's very good.

3. Last film I saw

Tarnation. And it's nothing to do with condensed milk which is very disappointing.

4. Five films I watch a lot

This is Spinal Tap (and if you don't laugh then check the pulse)

Grease

Something About Mary (not to be confused with Something About Marcy - they're still filming that one)

Dirty Rotten Scoundrels

Nine and a Half Weeks (my love of Mickey Rourke is only just going with the dodgy face lifts - his not mine. I'm still saving)

And I will tag

Dave (you asked for it)

Crash (to stop you watching Sky TV)

John )

Michael ) No idea who you are but there's bound to be a few knocking around

Martin )

Cat News

2005-05-17T11:40:00.000+01:00

Cat sitting is nearly at an end. So it did my heart good to receive a text message from Lorraine saying how much she misses her boys whilst discovering that Timmy had gone missing. Now I've moaned about that cat fairly frequently and can't say I'm surprised he was a stray. I imagine when he went absent from his previous home, the search team were stood down in favour of a cursory glance out the front door whilst secretly hoping that's the last they'd see of him. But when he eventually turned up this morning I could have kissed him (if I wasn't so afraid of catching anything). But, hurrah, he's back.

Point

2005-05-11T15:10:00.000+01:00

As an after thought to yesterday's post (I don't get many pre-post thoughts so think yourselves lucky), I'd like to say that Lionel Blair is COMPLETELY heterosexual and has the children to prove it. As does Paul O'Grady.

Oink

2005-05-10T14:14:00.000+01:00

The Farm has started on Channel 5 and old McDonald might be nowhere in sight but Lionel Blair is (plus a mad woman who looks as though she's heavily into crystals). You've got to admire a man who lives his life as though he's on camera at all times, even though he actually hasn't been on camera much since the demise of 'Give us a Clue' a couple of decades ago. But true to form, Blair came dancing into view and favoured some peculiar side shuffle over putting one foot in front of the other. He'll be singing by the end of the week and I wouldn't trust him anywhere near a pig.

MJ

2005-05-06T09:38:00.000+01:00

Michael Jackson is calling Stevie Wonder as a witness. I'm not sure, but I don't think he saw anything.

Political

2005-05-05T15:42:00.000+01:00

Phil and I are cat sitting for the next two weeks and I've just received the last few instructions, which probably takes us to number 1185. Unfortunately I can't confirm this as I'm slightly short on fingers, but by the sounds of it we should be speaking to cats in stern voices and tapping them on the nose. Call the RSPCA.

Doing Dallas

2005-04-27T13:56:00.000+01:00

My mother advised me to record the 'Debbie Does Dallas' programme which is on Channel 4 tonight as I'd recently been there. I didn't do Dallas in quite the same way, but this is what happens when you don't read the whole TV listing.

Separated at Birth

2005-04-25T14:16:00.000+01:00

Liz Hurley has decided to give up acting on the same day that I've decided to give up tight-rope walking. This is more than coincidence and I'm probably only a box of safety pins away from being mistaken for her on the streets of Brighton.

One Foot in Front of the Other

2005-04-22T11:26:00.000+01:00

My walk to work was very uneventful this week. But then it couldn't have lived up to last Thursday when I:

a) Encountered a ferociously barking dog on an extendable lead which was extending rather too rapidly in my direction. Fortunately the 12 year old girl on the end of said lead eventually gained control, so my heart probably stopped for less than a minute.

b) Was chatted up by a midget.

c) Passed a woman who subsequently fell over in front of me. Generally I don't insist people kiss the ground I walk on until I get to know them better.

I didn't realise you could pack so much into 20 minutes.

But onto this week. Anyone still concerned about the fact that I will continue feeding Phil lasagne until he develops some sort of allergic reaction can breathe easy. I located the recipe for Cheesy Cottage Pie that I sent away for from 'This Morning'. Unfortunately the recipe is dated February 2002, so it's taken me a while to get around to it, but any day soon....

I also heard from a friend who I had e-mailed a few holiday photos to. She's never been to America so she obviously wanted to know all about it and responded with "where did you get that salmon pink jumper?" Salmon pink!!! It's coral.

Texture Like Sun

2005-04-13T12:52:00.000+01:00

Well at the weekend I forced two unwitting individuals (aka friends) to view my holiday photographs. One was even subjected to home made lasagne but the other knew it wasn't wise to stay too long.

I also got round to dying my hair a rather rich, yet still surprisingly golden, brown (according to the packet). I ignored the test patch advice because you have to perform it 48 hours in advance and I can go off a colour in 48 minutes, so hours have no chance.

Today, I am working with a colleague drafted in from another division. I was warned she's not a fan of any type of talk, let alone the small variety, and prefers to e-mail the person sitting opposite her at the time rather than waste valuable breath. Actually I can see her point, there are people I'd rather communicate with via morse code. So far she hasn't said much. I did think she was gearing up for verbal outburst earlier, but it was just a bit of excessive throat clearing. It was quite disappointing.

Crumbs

2005-04-08T14:46:00.000+01:00

I love modern technology. It's just taken me half my lunch hour to log into my personal e-mail account to find out how unpopular I am. But, on the plus side, earlier today I shared my coffee with my new keyboard and it hasn't buggered it up completely. And if I manage to lodge a few crisp crumbs between the keys it will look remarkably like my old keyboard in no time at all.

Long Overdue

2005-04-07T15:34:00.000+01:00

It feels like I haven't posted anything for several months when in reality it's only several weeks. So I'm doing really well there but I'm sure those without dementia will be able to cast their mind's back. What have I been up to? Well at the beginning of March Phil and I went to Crash and Donna's wedding party which was very good. A Terry Hall record was even played and you can't rely on people to play those even when you buy them a CD as a present. I also really enjoyed the buffet. I'm a big fan of buffets where you can confidently name everything you're eating, it doesn't happen often and I've been caught out with more unexpected vol-au-vent fillings than I care to mention. My only complaint is that the smoking baby didn't win the tackiest gift prize. It was a travesty of the highest order.

Following on from that (well approximately one week later) Phil and I went to Texas for two weeks to visit his sister. For a full, glorious account please
see www.philgardner.blogspot.com. Why speak for myself when Phil does it so much better. Suffice to say I had a great time and would go back like a shot (or before Phil's sister comes to her senses and retracts the invitation). Before we left Texas I did intend to take said sister out for a meal, but she informed us that she didn't enjoy eating out that much. Mainly due to the fact she's vegetarian and the Texans don't fully embrace this concept. They seem to prefer vegetarians who eat at least one animal (they don't think that counts) and it's all steak, chicken and buffalo wings (I didn't even know they could fly). So instead we went to have a manicure and pedicure performed by two Vietnamese women. It was very relaxing until it became apparent they based part of the treatment on some form of Japanese torture and produced some sort of sanding equipment which caused me to leap out of the chair. Although to be fair, Phil's sister had been leaping out of the chair since she sat down due to the fact she's not keen on having her feet touched (another good choice on my part). But we made it to the end without crying (well only with laughter) only to have the women go into a hysterical frenzy when I put my boots on rather too quickly. There was so much over zealous gesticulating going on, I thought they'd introduced a game of charades. How was I meant to know the table with the magazines they kept pointing at frantically had some sort of polish drying attachment. Although I did think it strange they seemed to be insistent we look at a magazine before we left. I just thought they'd come to the conclusion we were well read.

Other Nonsense

2005-03-02T12:58:00.000Z

Yesterday I heard the news story of the day. It involves the Michael Jackson court case which is a circus anyway, but they're now deciding to turn it into a Chimp's tea party (literally).

According to the Daily Star Michael's prime (rather than primate) witness is going to be Bubbles the ex-pet chimp (every home should have one). The headlines alone were enough to cause my friend and I to become hysterical in ASDA and force us to relinquish the hold on our shopping, but as we turned the pages it got better.

This is possible because Coco (an ape, not a clown) apparently understands 1000 English words and also uses sign language. So she can rattle off the questions to Bubbles, he responds and then Coco interprets it into sign language. If I'd known Coco was that bright I would have sent her in to do my exams but, all in all, I haven't heard such a fantastic idea in years and if it gets the nod, they need to get the cameras in the court room immediately. I for one would buy the video and I've never been a David Attenborough fan.

Happy Birthday

2005-03-02T12:53:00.000Z

It's my nephew's sixth birthday today and you can tell he's getting old because a Spiderman duvet set actually got a look in on a very long list of toys.

Now I don't do public singing (not even in a karaoke bar after a bottle of wine) but if Jordan believes she's up to Eurovision representation, then anyone can throw caution to the wind. So I found a quiet'ish corner in the office, got on the phone and proceeded to deliver my version of 'happy birthday' (please note: nephew was on the other end of the phone at this point rather than a complete stranger. I decided against a practise run). Unfortunately the office was a bit too quiet and mid verse I heard someone in the background remark on the fact that I was singing. Honestly, I felt like Delia Smith after a few too many, let loose with a microphone. But my nephew voiced his appreciation at the end by saying "can I go now?" - so the embarrassment was worth it.

While I'm on the subject of family, I had some good news today. My mother informed me she didn't want a mother's day present or card because she knows I like her and she'd only bin the card the next day anyway. It gives me a warm glow.

Horror

2005-03-01T13:58:00.000Z

According to my horoscope I'm on the verge of a breakthrough. Breakdown more like.

Sheffield Revisited

2005-02-24T16:10:00.000Z

My few days with Phil, incorporating the dentist and Sheffield father visiting, is over and I've come through it without any obvious traumatic disorder. Let's do family first - they say blood is thicker than water but ours is slightly diluted and more Ribena consistency. I hadn't seen my father for a couple of years so after about an hour's small talk, I had the overwhelming urge to return home. The fact we had yet to unpack the bags didn't help my desire. So Phil and I escaped to the pub and he persuaded me to return before closing time. Which is what happens when you purchase tickets for the guilt trip in advance. But it wasn't all bad and I could well return in four years time if all goes well.

I had booked Monday off work so decided to spend it wisely and (officially) make lasagne. There wasn't a microwave beep to be heard anywhere. My last venture into lasagne making wasn't a great success. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what went wrong but it's even harder to pinpoint anything that went right. Even I only managed to force down a couple of mouthfuls before facing up to the fact it was inedible. But this time it was a different story and Delia must have been looking over me, because it actually turned out okay. Usually I'm lucky if anything turns out at all - due to it being welded to the dish. Phil even managed to force two helpings down without the assistance of copious amounts of water. Although I had been attempting to starve him all day which could have something to do with it.

Tuesday I went to the dentist on a tranquilliser high. Unfortunately the Verve were right when they said "The Drugs Don't Work" and I wasn't high enough - nothing short of general anaesthetic would've calmed me completely. But at least I stayed put and didn't bolt out of the chair. Although that's probably only because my legs weren't up to it.

In the evening Phil and I went to see the X Factor tour, which I thought was pretty good and I haven't seen a bar that quiet since I saw 'All Saints' (before I realised the full horror of Natalie Appleton), but then the age of the audience indicated they were probably on an 'E' number high rather than anything in pill form.

Ah Ha

2005-02-17T11:28:00.000Z

Yesterday I met my friend G and we went to the Ha Ha Bar for something to eat. But we were the only ones laughing due to the fact we were the only ones there. But it was good to catch up (she's a fast runner so it doesn't happen often) and the food was excellent. I also managed to avoid breaking a tooth on a chicken bone which was handy as I'm not up to another dentist appointment quite yet and my credit card couldn't stand it.

I did enjoy hearing about a colleague of G's who went on holiday to Finland just after Christmas. She was subjected to a few storms and due to the Tsunami disaster texted her family at the slightest hint of freak weather conditions (or just heavy rain) to let them know she was okay. Only to get the response "what's wrong with you then?". Sometimes you can't whip people up into a concerned frenzy if you try. G did express an interest to meet up soon after we return from Texas for photo viewing. She'll learn but she's got a few weeks to work on a plausible excuse.

Before I go, I must mention Michael Jackson who got admitted to hospital with flu symptoms. What's the chances of that happening over here? You need to be frothing at the mouth before you've got chance of a hospital bed. And if you weren't frothing at the mouth on the way in, you will be on the way out if you pick up MRSA.

February 14th

2005-02-14T13:48:00.000Z

It's Valentine's Day so I'm celebrating by watching Coronation Street with my friend Lorraine. There's two episodes on so that's what you call a celebration. Although if we wanted to venture out they are roping off two aisles for single people in ASDA and giving attached people access to a tannoy - which should be enough to generate at least one proposal. What a lovely idea - there's certainly nothing I'd like more than hearing my name screamed round a supermarket when I'm trying to locate the potato waffles. It would set me up nicely for a trip to the doctor's the following day. But although I'm not a big fan of said day, it is my happiest Valentine's Day on record and if your initials are PG then you're responsible (although if you're called Paul Green you can rule yourself out). So happy Valentine's Day, Phil, and just avoid ASDA at all costs.

Pancakes

2005-02-10T14:15:00.000Z

On Tuesday I made my first successful pancakes ever. Successful because not only did they look like pancakes but they tasted like them as well - which is something I've never experienced. I also managed to turn them without everything disintegrating into an unrecognisable mess. In fact it was good for the senses all round as my ears were not assaulted by the deafening sound of my smoke alarm and I managed to see what I was doing due to something I think they call heat control. I don't normally bother with that.

The pancakes made up for a previous disappointment when Phil and I failed to purchase any further parking permits due to a lack of official documentation and the fact that they probably thought we looked like a pair of squatters. So they refused to believe I lived where I claimed. Honestly, if I was going to make it up I'd go far more upmarket - at the very least I'd be joining Fatboy Slim and Zoe on their private beach. We also encountered a (very much paying) customer who seemed to collect parking tickets like other people collect stamps (some people do. I can hardly believe it myself). She had so many that even Carol Vorderman would have lost count. But the computer thought it was six at least. I don't think she'd heard of 'Park and Ride'.

Where's the Mallet

2005-02-08T17:37:00.000Z

I went to the dentist yesterday for the first time since 2003. Not that my dentist dwells on this at all but once even the dental nurse, when I admitted irrational fear, enquired if I could gear myself up for it sooner than every couple of years. It's what I love about the NHS. If they're not making you feel guilty about needing one hip replacement too many (why leave the house, when you're dodgy on your feet, unless you have to. It's just reckless), they're criticising your lack of attendance. You can't win. But the dentist had a quick poke around, declared I need to have a filling re-done, which I could ignore but then root canal treatment would be the order of the day (and industrial tools needed). Not the most appealing prospect, so I forked out a hundred quid and promised to come back (aka Phil pushing me through the door). Well only after they'd agreed to prescribe tranquillisers or else tie me to the chair. And as they weren't filming a Channel 5 fetish documentary (which I would have recorded), they opted for the former. I checked I'd also be offered a mouth numbing injection also. If you're going to be out for the count, you may as well be dribbling as well.

But today is pancake day. Hurrah. Pancakes are not my forte, but then neither is cheese on toast. How was I meant to know you should cover the corners with cheese to prevent major burning. Still, it's a good way to test the smoke alarm. You can't rely on those batteries.

Other Nonsense

2005-02-03T13:42:00.000Z

Yesterday I had my new ID photo taken. This is the photo which would have been taken last Wednesday, if only last Wednesday had been 2 February. I decided to leave everything to chance and only got up half an hour earlier to allow for make up/hair disasters and changed my top a mere 3 times . I then donned a hood the minute I left the flat, even though the weather conditions were almost tropical (slight exaggeration alert). However I'd rather people thought I looked stupid for 5 minutes rather than for X amount of years. Unfortunately an air brushing facility wasn't available so who knows what said photo will turn out like.

I also heard from an ex-colleague who informed me she had a new job as a medical secretary at the Priory. She seemed to be under the illusion that she'd be dealing with the rich and famous collapsing with nervous exhaustion, on a daily basis. Unfortunately it's the Hove Priory she's working at and she's more likely to be dealing with the local loon rather than Norman Cook and Zoe Ball. I couldn't bring myself to tell her, but I can sense disappointment looming.

I also actually watched GMTV yesterday morning and it was reassuring to see Fiona Phillips hasn't improved. That woman is the dictionary definition of incompetent. But Channel 4 should take my advice - the next time Judy Finnegan is off with some mysterious shaking disorder, they should rope Fiona in immediately. Her and Richard Madeley would be a stunning combination. Fiona has already uttered my favourite TV link of all time when she introduced Simon Weston (Falklands war hero who is facially disfigured) with the immortal words "here's a face we'll never forget". But yesterday she put all the programme's researchers to good use and announced that on the show today they had "someone from the Bill". Oh don't be too specific, Fi, it doesn't suit you.

One other thing, my computer seems to be gearing up towards some major malfunction. So it's just as well I've stopped picking up men on the internet or I'd have to start approaching them in the street.

Relieved

2005-01-31T17:46:00.000Z

Comic Relief know how to pull out all the stops and this year they've surpassed themselves by introducing (those of a nervous disposition should hold onto a stable object now)...

Bacon and ketchup crisps.

And I've got four bags to prove it. In reality I hate ketchup and wouldn't touch the stuff, but in modified flavour form I'm actually quite keen.

This isn't good news for the diet but thanks to Phil I've now got a step counter which is permanently strapped to a body part. And if I'm in perpetual motion and keep walking on the spot whilst talking to people, then I'm sure I'll have worked off four bags in about a week. It's another win win situation for me - that star I was born under was certainly lucky and no mistake.

Although if it wasn't for the crisps then I wouldn't know Comic Relief was looming so I think they need to work on their advertising strategy slightly.

Weekend Revisited

2005-01-27T16:21:00.000Z

On Friday evening Phil and I ventured into dinner party territory. Not something I'm generally very keen on, hosting (although I'm sure it would be a gourmet experience not easily forgotten regardless of how hard you try) or attending (the invitations will be flooding in now). But I threw caution to the wind and it was quite enjoyable. The food was good and it's not every day you get called 'very naïve', by a fellow guest, for having no burning desire to live in Australia. Although when I realised she was considering a move to Oz, Outer Mongolia seemed more appealing. We also ended the evening on guess the salary but personally I prefer charades.

On Saturday Phil and I met Melee and James. I hadn't met either of them before so decided to make a good impression by guaranteeing we turned up late due to a slight bus oversight. Now I know Brighton buses like the back of my hand (apart from where they actually stop) but I'm not so good with boats, which is why we went sailing past. I work on the principle that if you sit on a bus long enough and think positive thoughts, you'll end up at the right place. This has never worked but I'm not giving up on it now and at least we only had to run downhill.

After we'd gone for something to eat, we found the karaoke bar on the Palace Pier. Even though I've always lived in Brighton, I also have the ability to be able to pass myself off as a convincing tourist and at one point locating that looked a bit doubtful but we made it through the doors. It was like Stars in Their Eyes - the dodgy Japanese version.

My three companions all had a turn and were disappointingly good. I even witnessed some swaying and singing along that wasn't as a result of excess alcohol. I was waiting for the lighters to come out.

We then returned to mine and played Mike Read's Pop Quiz. I'm not making a big deal of this but Phil and I did

WIN

Although I did find it quite worrying that when asked to name 3 bands beginning with 'B', 'Boney M' and 'Brotherhood of Man' were the first from my lips. Even I don't have anything that suspect in my record collection.

Thought of the Day

2005-01-22T13:54:00.000Z

Every day above ground is a good one.

Good News

2005-01-21T13:08:00.000Z

They say good news comes in threes and they're right!

Good news one

Next week I'm going to have my work ID photograph updated. At last. I'm not saying the photo I've got is bad, but I do look like someone you'd cross the road to avoid. It's also years old and I wouldn't wear that top again. So on Wednesday morning I'll be up at the crack of dawn to plaster on as much make up as possible and allow enough time for 10 clothes changes.

Good news two

I weighed myself this morning and in order to win the bet to lose half a stone quicker than Mr Gardner can lose a stone, I only have seven pounds to go. The money's in the purse.

Good news three

Phil's coming down tonight. Hurrah. For reasons unknown I'll be quite pleased to see him.

But good luck to my friend who has a blind date on Saturday. Actually it's more of a partially sighted one as she's seen a couple of photos already. So at least she can rule out Hammer House of Horror.

Skippage

2005-01-18T14:43:00.000Z

I've taken up skipping (not to work, I'm not that keen) thanks to Phil's dad. He's not turning the rope, but he did provide it. I skipped for half an hour, albeit not continuously, believe me it's harder than it looks and I was more exhausted than if I use my cross trainer. So I've obviously not been putting enough effort in there. But skipping is very good for your lung capacity, so I'll be able to shout more often and take up smoking. I've also been living on fruit and salad all week. I know we're only two days in but if I don't achieve more than an Andy Fordham (Celebrity Fit Club) half pound weight loss, I won't be happy.

Sticky

2005-01-17T14:31:00.000Z

On Wednesday I met my friend 'H' for a drink and something to eat. Normally 'H' and I are on a par eating wise, but she informed me she'd lost her appetite over the last few weeks. This was confirmed when she left half her main course (a carefully placed napkin couldn't disguise the fact) and refused to order a dessert. I, on the other hand, did order the sticky toffee pudding but asked if I could have it with ice cream rather than the stipulated vomit inducing (that's just how I feel about it, rather than a flavour) custard. The waitress said this was fine, but I knew there would be trouble when she didn't write it down and stopped to wipe a table on her way to the kitchen. So when my dessert turned up it wasn't so much swimming in custard as drowning in it. But Phil and I did get an invitation to 'H's for dinner where Phil will get to meet H's friend (ex-government worker now professional dog walker). She's not a bad girl, but H finds it helps to have consumed a bottle of wine before she turns up and then keep going.

Well my weekend was a family weekend and I haven't had such a good time since our Christmas gathering. I'd better stop there before I have to have my tongue surgically removed from my cheek.

At the moment I'm heavily into Celebrity Big Brother. They've managed to find at least three despicable characters, step forward, Lisa I'anson, Caprice and Jeremy Edwards (listed in order of vileness), so I've found it very entertaining.

Please Note

2005-01-12T17:16:00.000Z

I am not cutting anything remotely edible in front of Phil again. Yesterday I attempted to cut a bagel and haven't had such a cutting disaster since the bacon sandwich episode yonks ago (and the last time I attempted to cut my own fringe). However it was Phil's fault for coming in and saying "what on earth are you doing?" before pulling it back with the encouraging "you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a kitchen".

Good.

Weekend News

2005-01-11T20:05:00.000Z

I'm going to refer back to Saturday due to the fact I live in a bit of a time warp (I just don't do the dance). If there was any more of a delay I would apply for a job as Dr Who's assistant (and I'm not referring to K9).

I spent the weekend in Shotley Gate and I quite like the place, even if the residents are a bit dodgy. During evening time I braced myself by putting on my most uncomfortable/ill fitting shoes and went to meet Crash and Donna with Phil. Fortunately they've got a bit of sense and turned up medically equipped, well they had a plaster they were willing to hand over.

And my verdict on the evening (hands in heads and adopt crash position):

I thought it went extremely well. Time flew, there were no awkward silences or knives sharpened and the making of voodoo dolls, for future use, seemed to be at a minimum. Hurrah. I'm really looking forward to the party now.

Also I'd kept to my diet for TWO whole days. Which might sound good if it weren't for the fact I'd claimed to start my diet about a week before (I'm just hoping maths is no one's strong point - apart from Donna). Still I was determined and stuck to just the three courses. So it's just as well I can ignore cheese/biscuits, coffee and mint humbugs. Credit where it's (not) due.

Yesterday Phil and I went to see 'Phantom of the Opera' at the cinema even though I was slightly more keen (okay, as a general rule, wild horses wouldn't have dragged him there). I thought the phantom was quite scary, obviously I hadn't seen Jackie Stallone on Celebrity Big Brother at that point, but at the end we were both on a par - neither of us knew what the hell was going on. The fact that I'd seen the musical previously means nothing. But I can sing along.